Life and Death

Creatures have children for different reasons, one supposes. To cement a relationship, for companionship, to model the world, to fill a hole and even, often, by accident. One expects a little person to take up one's life completely, yes? And although it is hard to put another's needs before your own when it comes to food, clothes, activities, sleep, tantrums and lifestyle choices, Rian is found that the very hardest thing about having a child is how that child ties one TO life.

When I was younger, yes, life did not frighten Rian much. It was an adventure to be lived and explored and touched and tasted and experienced and: "Pffft!" I would tell life, "If you become too hard, too painful, too boring, too lonely, too tasteless, well...there is always a bus to walk in front of." My life was MINE to keep or toss away as I liked. (Rian's god would not approve, but one suspects he finds Rian trying in many ways.)

Not that Rian is any more suicidal than the next neighbor, but there was a heady freedom in knowing that I need not face the trials life tossed if I did not want to.

And then one has a child, and things turn over. In agreeing to raise a little person as best I can, I have implicity given up the right to flee pain or trouble. Cancer or divorce or space aliens with nasty teeth, Rian must face them all as they come and ENDURE simply because I would not be able to abandon that small, trusting smile.