So. What if one created a television show. Onscreen an office window, 16 stories up, much like the one Rian is carefully staring out of. A city scape. The scenery, buildings, streets, warehouses are steady. The action is silent but for the roar of bus and train.

It is the people one watches, going about there day. The beggar, the mugger, the mugee. Random people, interconnecting. But is there no Fate? Did we see that red headed scater last week? And the lonely prostitute with the battered hat? Are the writers playing God?

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Fini

Lace Cap

Old Bones

Rian used to believe that I would not live past 26 years. Rian still believes I will not live much past 40.

Sitting in Edna's Diner on Sunday afternoon, watching a single fly buzz about and trying to stomach the World's Largest Chili Dog, Rian decided that I do not, in fact, wish to grow old. Edna's Diner was frequented by locals, many of them elderly dressed in their Church best. Whenever the fly alighted and became still, Rian watched the elderly instead.

They were bent and shaking. Quiet and self curled. Even those with spouses or companions seemed isolated. No touching, no talking.

Does the body hurt? Does the body fail? Without physical activity to depend on for distraction, are the elderly trapped with only the thoughts that go round and round and round behind the eyes? Rian does not want to be trapped within the mind.

When the body begins to fail, Rian decided, so will I.

This sounds selfish, I know. But Rian is nothing if not selfish.

Possible Truths

"You always seem so... I don't know what the word I want is. Graceful? Gracious? Something with grace in it."

- QuOS

Reasons Why

Floored, Day Three

Possible Truths

"It is through chance that, from among the various individuals of which each of us is composed, one emerges rather than another."

- Henry de Montherlant

Close Up For Mater

Floored, Day Two

Floored, Day One

Flat Lined

Lately I have been feeling very unRian. In fact, the last time I felt very much like mySelf was during Keppet's visit. Apparently Hobblings are good for the soul.

Someone Else has been extremely overwhelmed and miserable at work for the last several weeks. He works 17 hours a day every day. As a result he is tired and does not eat correctly and slightly panic ridden and has begun having chest pains. He did this in November. THAT time he scheduled an EKG without telling Rian about the pains. The tests came back fine. Hurtburn, perhaps, his doctor suggested.

So this time, although I know it is most likely not the heart, one worries and watches and quietly frets.

My parent is not doing very well lately, either. There have been blood transfusions after blood transfusions. It is nothing unexpected. But it is still disconcerting.

So. I realized, last night, where the absence of anything but silence in my head has come from. It is exactly how I felt as a child, watching my mother die for years on end. It is...WAITING. The emotions disappear and one puts one foot before the other, waiting. Just waiting. There is no pain, no unhappiness, no true fear. Emotion flatlined. Listening quietly. Waiting.

Perhaps ye should call me Godot.

Use The Ritz, Luke...

Last night Rian dreamed that I was Luke Skywalker. In a manner of speaking.

I was mySelf, yes, and the only thing that made Rian Luke was the giant black hat I wore, Spaceballs style. Twas hard to see around.

I spent the entire dream fleeing Darth Vader through a giant library. Vader, apparently injured, was confined to a loudly humming grey wheel chair. The chair could levitate up and over stacks when need be. And the library stacks towered. Rian as Luke climbed several and was indeed afraid to look down.

Apparently Vader wanted not Rian, but the half open tube of Ritz Crackers(TM) I clenched in my hand. Some part of Luke knew he needed to keep those crackers safe for Aidan's return, but occasionally I would dole one out to an especially dangerous Storm Trooper. This would send them back into the maze of books.

...I need to stop playing Star Wars all day long, obviously. Yes?

Another Martini

For Rian's Friday Night Party...

http://drinkit.blogspot.com/2005/05/caramel-apple-martini.html

Now if only Rian can find a glass such as the one displayed.

Possible Truths

"I'm an old, superstitious Arab, and I believe in our proverbs. There's one that says, 'Everything that happens once can never happen again. But, everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time.'"

- Paulo Coelho

Washington Left, Oregon Right

Trailhead At Wahclella Falls

Salmon Gate?

Infant Falls

Rian's Cave

Higher...

...And Higher...

Vertigo

Wahclella Falls Found

Wahclella Pool

One Canna Be Stylish Whilst Hiking

More Wahclella

Possible Truths

"Another postcard with chimpanzees
And every one is addressed to me..."

- The Barenaked Ladies

The Beginning

Possible Truths

"Clark, an investment analyst, won't let his wife raise the blinds until sundown, lest the bindings fade. He buys at least two copies of his favorite books, so that only one need be subjected to the stress of having its pages turned. When his visiting mother-in-law made the mistake of taking a book off the shelf, Clark shadowed her around the apartment to make sure she didn't do anything unspeakable to it - such as placing it face down on a table."

- Anne Fadiman

Oh Joy Oh Bliss!

Rian has just discovered that this is where we are going for the 'boonies' weekend:

http://www.bonnevilleresort.com/

The 40 Dollar Martini

After Arena Football - which is exactly like one would imagine upon hearing the name - Rian&Co and one partner, four associates and the two Summer Interns went to Keppet's Martini Bar.

The young bouncer in the black shirt and trousers and white tie was indeed carefully checking IDs. Jen The Intern (who had been refused beer at the Arena because she had forgotten her ID) was hassled at the door of the Bar because the bouncer did not believe she as the person on her ID. Poor Jen. She was having a bad night and it was about to get worse.

Past the bouncer the blue doors opened into a narrow space. The walls were quilted leather with big brass buttonesque circles, the tables were either very high or very low, and the bar was very long and granite. Water rolled over a section of tiled wall. At the foot of the fountain a small empty ledge sported a gleaming pole. The pole dancer was in absentia. In the dancer's empty space someone had placed a clay urn filled with dried twigs and flowers.

The ceiling was entirely blue/black and pierced with tiny tiny white lights meant to resemble stars. The two small windows were covered with chain link curtains.

We all squeezed around a tall table in the corner against the pole. Rian ordered the Almond Joy Martini. It tasted of chocolate and coconut. Someone Else ordered a blue martini and was teased mercilessly for being 'girlie'. Everyone else ordered gin and tonics.

Jen the Intern immediatly dropped her gin and tonic. The glass broke all over the stage and the floor. The Other Intern shares Rian's given name and wears a small diamond through her nose.

"Shall I introduce you?" Someone Else whispered in Rian's ear, amused.

"No," Rian whispered back. I was enjoying knowing something about her that she did not know about me.

One of the associates told a story about how he pissed with Dave Matthews in a small bar in a smaller hotel in Moses Lake. Dave apparently prefered stall over urinal.

The other guests in the martini bar were dressed to the nines, the woman sporting the lastest hair cuts and high heels, the men gently metrosexual. They slouched in the low chairs and leaned in the high chairs. Rian wondered if they were all pretending they were anywhere other than Spokaloo.

The fake stars were beautiful.

And Rian forgot to ask what was in the 40 Dollar Martini.

Possible Truths

"I was not drunk, I was SLEEPY."

- The Center of the Universe

Finis

Alas, alack, alas! Rian has just finished A FEAST FOR CROWS.

There is no more to read, no more.

Alas, alack, alas.

Rian wants MORE.